My Marathon for Mom

Oh Boston in the winter..how lovely. I guess I should be thankful that I haven’t had to run in any serious snow storms because for some reason Boston and Texas have exchanged weather patterns. Today was miserable outside, but training is training. I only had to do a quick (or not so quick due to the giant puddles and slippery ground) 3 miles today, and it wasn’t terrible. Once you’re wet, you’re wet, the only really bad part is the wet feet. Once your feet are wet, its over. The water squishes between your toes and causes blisters and your feet get all crinkly like you’ve been in the bath for an hour. I also have to remember to wear a baseball cap because getting pelted in the face/eyes for 30 minutes straight isn’t great. I finished it though, and felt pretty hardcore. It’s nice to see other runners out when its raining. You have this code. You’re all in this I’m-super-tough-cuz-I-run-in-the-rain club, and I’ll admit I like being a member.

Yesterday I also had my first day of sprints (7, 400 meters). I am so friggin slow. I don’t know what it is but I’m an elephant. I can run and run and run but I cannot do it at a fast pace. I’m following a new Hal Higdon plan (http://www.halhigdon.com/halfmarathon/inter.htm) to try and help get me quicker. We’ll see how it goes! I’m feeling better now that I’m sticking to the plan and just can’t wait until my body gets stronger again and able to run without pain. Come on lungs, you can do it!

Tomorrow I’m attempting my first morning run as my little brother has a comedy night/debut of his pilot tomorrow night! I’m also going out for beers with my coworkers before hand so need to push myself to getting this done early. Its also only 3 miles, so I just need to do it and get it over with. Will keep you posted.

Here’s a pic of what post-sprinting looks like and me in my winter gear.

Man, getting back into blogging and running is a lot more challenging then I thought it would be. Since I ran 26 miles, I assumed running 7 this weekend would be no big deal. Wrong. I’ve been taking the training a little bit easier then I did the marathon- because, hell its only half as hard right- Wrong again. I went out Friday night, and after half a scorpion bowl (simon swears he drank more of it then me but whatever) and 2 beers at bowling, we were in bed by 2. I got up around 11 and ran at 1:30 with Beth. I was hurting about 5 minutes in and it didn’t stop. I was pretty much in hell the entire 70 minutes. Luckily Beth was well rested and in better shape then I, because she kept us focused and helped us keep a good pace. The run itself was nice- gorgeous day, beautiful river, great talk and catch up time with Buff, but ughhhh was pretty much how I felt the whole time.

The good thing about this experience is I now am reminded that I need to step up and take this training just as seriously as my marathon training. If its a 2 mile run, a 4 mile or a 10 mile, I need to be ready.

Tonight I had to run 4 miles. I got off to a begrudging start after a really long day of carting food to the Greater Boston Food Bank (9 straight hours!), but I got myself going. I picked a fun/different route and ran down Boylston and Newbury. This was a fun change because I got to see shoppers and diners and do a lot of people watching. I also ran up Beacon Hill again (this time right in the beginning) which is still really tough, but hopefully going to help me get up those Virginia Hills!

Heading to bed early tonight- wasn’t feeling great all weekend and want to make sure I don’t get sick!

After about 2.5 months of not blogging and not really running (I probably averaged 7-10 miles a week), I decided I needed a change. I miss running – I know crazy. I also miss writing. A lot of things have happened since the marathon and writing was a really good way for me to get some of my feelings out. Here are some highlights:

I ended up raising additional money and the final total was: $4,895!

I reached out to my mom’s girlfriends and set up a girls night. Due to all of our crazy schedules, it had to get postponed but at least we have opened the line of communication!

There were articles in all of the local papers: Hartford Courant, Journal Inquirer, etc. featuring the run and the donation – unfortunately I was listed as ‘Amy’, my mom’s names, in all of the photos..ah well.

I met my Dad’s girlfriend, and it actually went fine. We hung out again after that, and that was fine too.

In early December I thought the crying ‘episodes’ had come back. I stayed up all night one night and cried. It hasn’t happened since then though and I think it was a much needed cry after all the stress and build-up of the marathon. I did decide though that letting my energy out in a healthy way (running, yoga, cooking even – which isn’t going that great), makes me feel MUCH better and probably keeps these dark nights from happening.

One of my best friends Jenny moved to Virginia. I am SO excited for her – great job, great man, great time to try something and somewhere new, but my Boston will definitely not be the same without her.

And finally I signed up for my first HALF marathon! Jenny was signed up to do the Charlottesville, VA half marathon on April 17th in her new home town and Beth/Buffy and I were looking for another one to do. Running without a goal is impossible. Running with a goal, piece of cake. So after debating the Nashville Rock and Roll Marathon, which I will do some day!, we decided to plan a trip to visit Jenny and join her in the half-marathon. Which means I have 2 months and 1 week to train. At first this terrified me because I trained for 3.5 months for the marathon, but I looked at the running guide and the ‘long run’ last week was 5 miles, which I did on Tuesday – so I think I’m ok.

I started officially training today and ran 3 miles. I RAN, though. I realized that my goal/focus during the marathon was not to stress out my body and to just be able to finish a marathon. This time, I KNOW I can run 13 miles, so now I need to see if I can kick this marathon’s ass. (can you say ass on a blog?) I don’t think I’ll ever be ‘fast’ but my goal is 2 hours, which would be a bit under a 10 minute mile. Buffy is training and running with me, with the same goal, and I’m really looking forward to doing this together.

Today’s run was amazing. It was almost 40 out so I only had to wear one layer and I picked a completely different route, running through the MGH side of Beacon Hill. I also decided I need to train on these hills so I ran up Beacon Hill twice. The second time was brutal- Pickney St. literally goes straight up! But, I finished 3.10 in 29 minutes, including the hills. Already a good start! I also felt really strong and kind of bad ass. I was listening to Gaga (thanks Jenny!) and Brittany and having this girl power moment and just wanted to sprint! I’m sure they won’t all be that good, but this was a great start to this next chapter.

My marathon was for my mom. This half marathon is for me.

Yesterday I went to Rockville Hospital with my dad to drop off the checks. Today, I cried about it. My emotions tend to shut down in stressful situations and I kind of use a blend of sarcasm and asking lots of questions about the other person(s) to defer my feelings from having to come out.

Walking into the hospital was hard. Everything about the day was hard actually. My Dad showed me the brick he had donated for my Mom on the front patio and it said her name and then My Sunshine. I started to get the terrible pain that starts in a place that is deeper then my heart. It’s deeper then my soul and I am scared of this pain because it feels like it might just destroy me. I kept it down though and we walked in the hospital. We walked to the cardiac rehab program and I pictured my Mom coming here each week. The program has actually moved (it is on a different floor now) but I could still picture her bopping around the hospital, saying hello to everyone she might see on the way in.

When we got to the door there was a huge sign that said You Made Us Proud and Congratulations! It was so cute. I thought about it a lot tonight and it seemed eerily fitting. My Mom (and I definitely learned this from her) loved to decorate our house with signs for even the smallest thing. Coming home from summer camp or getting good grades could lead to computer print out signs or other things around the house. It is actually one of the things I miss most about my Mom. Almost every time I come home I for some reason get really excited and think maybe I’ll walk in the door and the house will be all decorated and she’ll be sitting there. I know it’s silly but it still happens.

Laura, one of the nurses and a good friend of my Mom’s came running out and gave us big hugs. I actually didn’t recognize her since the only picture I had of her she had a perm and glasses and now she has an adorable bob! She reminds me a lot of my Mom too, very outgoing and energized, someone you just want to be around. She introduced us to other nurses that had been there while my Mom was a patient and one even came all the way from UCONN to say hi as she used to be my Mom’s nurse. It was really nice to meet all of them and they all told me how much they loved my Mom. It was so good to hear but I was also so overwhelmed. At one point the nurse told me that she saw my Mom the day she passed away as she went to the program in the morning. She told me that all of my Mom’s tests were normal and that she was smiling and happy. In the moment it made me freeze, and want to throw up. I haven’t thought about the day she passed away in a long time and it was almost like a punch in the gut to have to hear those words out loud. Today though, I realized how nice that was and how glad I am that my Mom’s last day was spent with friends and that she was happy. One of my biggest regrets in life is that I didn’t see my Mom that day. I slept over a friend’s house the night before and I never got to see her again. I was really mad at myself for a while, and it still eats at me sometimes, but I also know that I was 16 and that’s what you do when you’re 16.

The rest of the visit was just wonderful. The patients and nurses all clapped and gave me gorgeous red (long stem!) roses and we took a lot of pictures. I wish I could have been more animated, but it was almost like I was in shock. I’m also not great at being the center of attention unless I want to be. Meaning, usually I love the spot light but only if I’m actively trying to be in it. Hopefully they didn’t think I was too lame. I kept it together pretty well (or blacked it out/went in to denial, whatever!) until an older woman told me she used to be really good friends with my Mom. She now works in the gift shop of the hospital and all she said was ‘I really loved your Mom, I miss her’, and that was all it took to start the tears. They were short as we were on the way out and then we went to lunch with Simon which helped. Today I wanted to go back there and be myself and tell them all I’m not quiet (at all!) and that I appreciated how much care and thought they put into this- if any of you are reading, THANK YOU!

The whole experience though made me feel even more glad that I decided to raise money for that program. The nurses just care about their patients so so much and they have great technology too. I’m happy that if my Mom had to be sick, she got to be there.

I FINALLY had the strength/motivation to organize the donations. I started organizing in the beginning but then they just came pouring in and I was so exhausted from running that I stopped tallying. Well, I tallied today and the total is $4430.30! I can’t even believe it! I hoped my goal of $3,000 was conservative but I never expected over $4,000! I am going to Rockville General tomorrow morning to drop off the check and I just can’t wait. I’m actually a little sad, because it marks the final step of this journey and I’m not really ready for it to end. I’ve been pushing it out of my mind and telling myself ‘well there is still the check drop off’ to drag out the end, and now it’s here! Bummer. I hopefully will keep running and will probably even keep writing as it is a healthy way for me to think about and express my feelings about my mom. I haven’t had an outlet like this before and it has helped so much. The crazy crying spells are now few and far between and when I think about her I don’t instantly tear or get that pit in my stomach. I am still sad and don’t think that will ever change, but I’m also a little more settled. I’m happy. I used to think that I’d never be able to be truly happy again because no matter what good things came into my life, I still would be without my mom. How could I possibly be happy when my mom passed away? My mindset around this has definitely changed and instead I now feel like I am happy and there is a part of me that will always be a little sad. Although that might not sound like a huge difference, it is a completely different perspective. I know, and have known, that my mom would want me to be happy and have an amazing life, but I felt like I couldn’t let that happen because of the pain. I now feel like the pain has moved and isn’t so consuming.

Because this experience was so life-changing, I’m scared I’m going to go backwards if I stop. I actually ran yesterday for the first time since the marathon. I only ran 4 miles and I went pretty slow. I ran on a treadmill because it was freezing rain (which was terrible- running outside is a completely different sport), but it felt really good to run. I even thought, wow I feel like a runner. My right leg was pretty tired out by mile 4 so I took today off (may do some Yoga later tonight), but it also made me feel like I will keep this up, and it won’t be over. I’m doing a 5K with Jenny and Beth in December and a crazy relay run where we get to wear headlamps so I’ll have something to write about and look forward to! I will post tomorrow after I meet with the hospital, wish me luck!

I made it!!! And it went ok! The whole weekend was awesome too. Friday night we (Dad, Matt and his girlfriend Jess, Simon and I) went to Outback for dinner (salmon and veggies for protein!) and had a good time. Simon and I also stopped by our friend Kyle’s birthday party and then were in bed early to get ready for the trip. The 7 of us (My Aunt Sue (we call her Choo Choo), cousin Paul, Matt, Jess, Simon, Dad, and I) piled in the family van and were on the road by 9. By 9:31 my dad had swerved off the road over the rumble strip (as Simon noted). We played setback, stopped for a few quick bites, took a nap and were in Philly before we knew it! We stopped at the Expo so I could pick up my Bib and donate my old sneakers. Of course no one told me I was supposed to pick up my tshirt then too so I don’t have a tshirt (I’m still devastated)! After the expo, we checked into our hotel room downtown, checked into my family’s hotel room by the airport and headed to my mom’s aunt’s house to see some family. We had a really nice, although too short visit and it was really special to be in the house where my mom spent so much time. I was having flashbacks to childhood (when we used to visit a lot) and it was so nice to see them. We then drove to dinner in the italian district and ate at Marras. There were 15 of us! My cousin Jay, his fiance Megan and their baby Maddy came, my brother, Jess, Dad, and Simon, my older brother Rob, his wife Judith and their kids Zane and Alex, and my friends from college Amy, Beth, Jenny and Vickey! It was so awesome!! I felt completely supported, and was so happy that so many people I love were here to support me!

Race day.. woke up at 5:45 and started to get ready. My stomach was acting up (obv) but I got dressed and Simon and I were picked up by my friends Jared and Katie (both running!) and Jared’s parents. Simon forgot his phone and the room key in the chaos but I panicked and he came with me even though he kind of needed these! We piled in, drove a mile or two, and walked up to the corals. We didn’t know before, but they release the different groups in waves. Katie and I were in the purple group and didn’t end up starting until about 7:20. Which was good for me because I needed to make another trip to the port-o-john, luckily I brought tissues.

I think I mentioned that my friend Katie decided to run with me, even though she is much faster! She hurt her foot during the training process and also decided she’d just like to have a buddy which really worked out for me! We tried to start out at a slow/steady pace because we were nervous of over-exerting ourselves in the first half. We were going for negative splits but that didn’t quite pan out! We were pretty solid at a 10 minute mile pace for the first 7 miles. We stopped to take a pee break around mile 9 (?) and the only other walking took place when we grabbed water/gatorade at each stop. We tried to run and drink in the beginning, choking ourselves, and then decided to just walk a few paces and drink! We did drink at every water stop and chatted almost the whole time. At the half-way mark we were at 2:16 (a 10.5 pace) but I could already feel it. The course definitely wasn’t flat! There were some pretty serious hills! I imagined the race was going to be mentally grueling and in the last few miles I’d have to psyche myself into it. It was more physically challenging then I imagined, but the mental part wasn’t that tough. By mile 15 I could feel the pain in my hips and thighs. By 18 I pretty much wanted to cry. We got to the 20 and I was sure I was going to have to crawl the rest of the way. We stopped for a 30 second stretch break and got going again. They handed out brownies and I realized I had to get home somehow so we started running. I took two other 30 second breaks to shake out my legs, while Katie checked her blackberry and ran backwards leaping. She could have probably finished in under 4 hours, ah!

Kate and I saw my four friends from college, Simon, and her sisters/friends from home so many times throughout the race! The girls all made signs (some pink and sparkly, some with ‘You are making me feel fat’) and screamed their heads off. We stopped for a few quick hugs along the way and decided we were going to enjoy this marathon instead of killing ourselves the whole time. At about mile 25 I saw my family and my brother ran with me from 25.2-25.7 or so which was really awesome. He has bad ankles so couldn’t do the whole thing but it was a really nice distraction! Then around 25.8 the girls and Simon also started running behind us so we had a back of 6 chasing us to the finish line! They veered off around 26 and let us cross the finish line, but it was so freaking hysterical. I couldn’t even complain the last mile because I was laughing too hard! The crying started at about 26.1 but it wasn’t too bad. It was tears of joy that I have such a wonderful support system, tears of sadness that someone was missing on that day, tears of pride that I just had accomplished something pretty fantastic, and tears of exhaustion. I hugged Katie and thanked her so much for going on this part of the journey with me and was tackled by friends and family. It was an incredible incredible day and experience and I am so thankful that all of this happened.

Pictures on the next post!

At $3300 Today… going for $4000 now! Keep you posted!

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you to EVERYONE (60 people so far!) who donated to Rockville General Hospital’s Cardiac Rehabilitation program in memory of my Mom. I am currently at $3200 (which if you can’t see is because I somehow erased the thermometer but have asked tech-support/Simon to fix it in the morning!) and it keeps coming!

I am so so appreciative and grateful for the generous donations you’ve made and honestly cannot wait to present the check to the nursing staff.

I will be offline most likely until after the race, but will be sure to post some pictures and notes as soon as it is over!

Thank you so much for reading and sharing this journey with me. Stay tuned for the final chapter!

It seems very strange and fitting that my last run is my 100th DAY. Couldn’t have planned that better if I tried! I only ran 2 miles this morning (on purpose, that’s what Hal’s schedule called for), and it was fine. I was pretty tired after the festivities last night (oh I forgot to mention that we played apples to apples for HOURS and it was awesome), and it was a sleep, quick run. I wanted it to be this very special last day of training, but it just didn’t happen. Ah well, it’s technically not my last day of running- Sunday is!

I also had my company’s holiday party tonight (and yes stayed sober again). My company does a thanksgiving instead of christmas party because they really want to get together and share what we are thankful for. This year, we each submitted (if we wanted to) a little note about something we are thankful for, or something we care about, or something we enjoy. I’m going to type in mine since it relates to this run. I was pretty scared to write this knowing that I may have to read it in front of all 30 people, but I also feel like this whole process has taught me to be more open with my feelings and to let others in. I also LOVE my company and they make me feel very safe, so it felt ok to share it with them. Luckily, I didn’t have to read it -we all read each others which was a really fun twist! Anyways, here goes:

As some of you know, I have been training for my first marathon since August. I was not a runner at all before this, but after almost four long months, the marathon is finally here! It is on Sunday, and I am so ready to get this thing over with! What you might not know, is that I am running the marathon to support a local hospital where I grew up. I’ll try not to get too personal, but when I was in high school my Mom passed away from heart disease. She was actually diagnosed with heart failure when I was 11 and placed on the heart transplant list. The list was really long and it didn’t look like she’d get a new heart, so her doctor recommended that she start a cardiac rehabilitation program. My mom went to this program and lived five years longer then she was ’supposed to’. The nurses there helped change her diet, helped her learn how to exercise, and helped her strengthen her heart. They also became her friends and provided her with much needed emotional support. I couldn’t understand it then, but it must have been so hard for her to have to quit her job and make all these life changes (no more walking up stairs, parking in handicap spots, and sometimes using a wheel chair). We were all pretty scared, but they helped us through this time. They even made her laugh and joked with her about ‘being in rehab’ and she became the poster-woman for this program. I feel really grateful and thankful to the cardiac rehab program at rockville general hospital because they gave me extra time with my mom, and this year I am also thankful that I can give them something back. This whole process has also been really healing and I’ve gotten to reconnect with a lot of my mom’s friends and family members, which is probably the biggest thing I’m thankful for this year.

Well, I’m going to bed and heading to CT tomorrow to see the family, and then to PHILLY for the BIG day!!!!!!!!!