My Marathon for Mom

I’ll admit that I’m the pits when it came to this blog. When I was running the marathon I almost NEEDED to blog so I could get all of these emotions and feelings out. For this half marathon, the only feelings pouring out were annoyance and pain. I think the half marathon training was so much harder because I knew I could do it (since I already ran 26 miles once) so it wasn’t a challenge, it was just hell. To close this blog (don’t worry I’m switching to a new one – I’ll update you as soon as I get it up and running!), these are the high and low-lights of the half marathon training.

After being violently ill, I took myself to a pilates class to strengthen my core. I made it through the whole class but my neck was really bothering me. The instructor kept saying if you feel it in your neck modify and take it down a level, which I was doing, but apparently the modified version was even too intense. For about a week after the pilates class, I couldn’t move my neck. It was the scariest feeling, when I sat up from laying down, I had to put my hand under the back of my neck and pick my head up because the muscles just wouldn’t work. I couldn’t turn right or left even a fraction. I kept thinking it would get better and it didn’t.

I finally went to the doctor and found out I had a neck spasm. She put me on muscle relaxers, killer pain meds, and prescribed no running for a while. Due to the marathon and half marathon training, when I was tired I would hunch over a bit and not stand straight up, I had done a lot of damage to the ligaments in my neck and the pilates class pushed me over the edge. I was also prescribed a neck brace (seriously, wtf). Actually, this is the second time in my life that I’ve had a neck brace – the first time was in 6th grade and it was AWFUL. You think the awkward years are terrible, add in being 6 foot tall at age 12 and being in a friggin neck brace.

So after the neck incident (which happened about 3 weeks before the run), I couldn’t run for two weeks. When I started running again (3 miles or so) and had to keep my body straight up, I realized I had to retrain myself – my core (and neck) weren’t strong enough to hold me up for an hour of running. I ran a few miles and packed my bag for the half marathon in Virginia, not knowing what would happen.

The Virginia trip was amazing, and when we got down there, I ran the race. My friend Beth had decided not to and I knew Jenny was way faster than me and running with her boyfriend Rick, but I also knew I just needed to prove to myself that I could do it, even if it sucked. I told myself I would walk and take my time, if it hurt my neck I would stop and slow down- no pressure, but I had to try. I finished in 2 hours and 18 minutes and ran a 10:34 pace (some severe walking happened on the hills). While that isn’t a great time by any means, my goal was 2:10 pre-injury and when I was training, so I feel pretty proud of myself.

I also realized I really don’t want to do that again for a while! Which is also why I’m going to leave this blog for now. I realized that my marathon was for my mom, my half marathon was for me, and I’m ready for some new challenges and a new venture. I am going to do lots of things throughout my life for both of us and I want to keep this marathon page live and special, and want a new platform for the new stories. I have just registered www.snatchtales.com where I’ll be writing about all of my new adventures. You’ll have to keep reading to find out all of the ridiculous things that happen in my life (did I mention I got a huge spider bite and had to get a shot of cortisone in my leg and a tetanus shot?) That is my life, and that’s why you should read about it.

www.snatchtales.com- coming soon!

I think my last post was in regards to not taking a day off even when it rains. I did however take 5, yes FIVE days off. I ran 7 miles and went on an 11 mile bike ride with Simon on Sunday, which was probably a bit much. I wasn’t feeling great but I keep feeling limited by my running and training instead of feeling inspired. I feel like it holds me down from doing other things in life. So last weekend I decided that it wasn’t going to hold me back, and I went on a wonderful bike ride to Jamaica Plain’s Arboretum. I can imagine this park- similar in feel to a Central Park although not remotely in the center of the city- will be gorgeous in the spring and summer, and although there weren’t any flowers or plants, it was nice to be outside and with nature. However, when we got home at 6PM and I still hadn’t run my 7 miles I was a little devastated. I got dressed and out the door though without too many tears. The first 3.5 was pretty brutal but on the way home I just said screw it and ran as fast as I could. My lungs were BURNING. I found a guy that seemed like he was running pretty fast so just tried to keep up with him, which though painful felt nice.

All of this excitement must have been a little much though as the next day I woke up and new I was in trouble. I made it to work Monday but at about 4:30pm I left, crawled into bed and basically didn’t wake up until 2pm the next day. An entire week later I was finally able to get out of bed but wasn’t able to run. I’m pretty bad at being sick because I need to constantly be active. I just can’t stop moving. I listened to coworkers and friends though and let my body have the rest that it needed.

Today was the first day I felt truly better and although I put up a stink before actually getting out the door, I was really looking forward to running. It’s my tradition, or ritual. When I don’t do it, I don’t feel exactly like me. As soon as I got out on the pavement though, and the rain was pelting me in the face, I had to remind myself that I needed this and wanted this. Long runs, and running in the rain is always a struggle. It’s a serious challenge and I like it because of that. Basically, you are soaking wet, your legs and knees kill, you’re freezing because you’re soaking wet and its only 40 out, your socks are drenched and you can feel the blisters and calluses already forming, but you keep going. You somehow find that place inside you that is a badass warrior and you keep running. I know a 9 mile run in the rain after being sick for a week may not qualify me as being a ‘warrior’ but thats what it feels like when you’re on the road all alone. All you have is you to get you there.

Running today, and I’ve been feeling this way for a while, has helped me realize that I don’t want to run marathons or half marathons all over the place, I want to be challenged. I want to hike to the top of scary mountains, and swim farther then your body is supposed to, and bike across the state. I want to challenge myself, but I want it in a different way. I’m still excited to run this half marathon with beth and be there to see jenny and rick in their new life, but I think this blog is going to move away from running. I don’t think my marathon for mom was really about the marathon, it was about finding my mom, and finding myself. I will continue to do both of those things, but I’m looking forward to a new arena.

Oh Boston in the winter..how lovely. I guess I should be thankful that I haven’t had to run in any serious snow storms because for some reason Boston and Texas have exchanged weather patterns. Today was miserable outside, but training is training. I only had to do a quick (or not so quick due to the giant puddles and slippery ground) 3 miles today, and it wasn’t terrible. Once you’re wet, you’re wet, the only really bad part is the wet feet. Once your feet are wet, its over. The water squishes between your toes and causes blisters and your feet get all crinkly like you’ve been in the bath for an hour. I also have to remember to wear a baseball cap because getting pelted in the face/eyes for 30 minutes straight isn’t great. I finished it though, and felt pretty hardcore. It’s nice to see other runners out when its raining. You have this code. You’re all in this I’m-super-tough-cuz-I-run-in-the-rain club, and I’ll admit I like being a member.

Yesterday I also had my first day of sprints (7, 400 meters). I am so friggin slow. I don’t know what it is but I’m an elephant. I can run and run and run but I cannot do it at a fast pace. I’m following a new Hal Higdon plan (http://www.halhigdon.com/halfmarathon/inter.htm) to try and help get me quicker. We’ll see how it goes! I’m feeling better now that I’m sticking to the plan and just can’t wait until my body gets stronger again and able to run without pain. Come on lungs, you can do it!

Tomorrow I’m attempting my first morning run as my little brother has a comedy night/debut of his pilot tomorrow night! I’m also going out for beers with my coworkers before hand so need to push myself to getting this done early. Its also only 3 miles, so I just need to do it and get it over with. Will keep you posted.

Here’s a pic of what post-sprinting looks like and me in my winter gear.

Man, getting back into blogging and running is a lot more challenging then I thought it would be. Since I ran 26 miles, I assumed running 7 this weekend would be no big deal. Wrong. I’ve been taking the training a little bit easier then I did the marathon- because, hell its only half as hard right- Wrong again. I went out Friday night, and after half a scorpion bowl (simon swears he drank more of it then me but whatever) and 2 beers at bowling, we were in bed by 2. I got up around 11 and ran at 1:30 with Beth. I was hurting about 5 minutes in and it didn’t stop. I was pretty much in hell the entire 70 minutes. Luckily Beth was well rested and in better shape then I, because she kept us focused and helped us keep a good pace. The run itself was nice- gorgeous day, beautiful river, great talk and catch up time with Buff, but ughhhh was pretty much how I felt the whole time.

The good thing about this experience is I now am reminded that I need to step up and take this training just as seriously as my marathon training. If its a 2 mile run, a 4 mile or a 10 mile, I need to be ready.

Tonight I had to run 4 miles. I got off to a begrudging start after a really long day of carting food to the Greater Boston Food Bank (9 straight hours!), but I got myself going. I picked a fun/different route and ran down Boylston and Newbury. This was a fun change because I got to see shoppers and diners and do a lot of people watching. I also ran up Beacon Hill again (this time right in the beginning) which is still really tough, but hopefully going to help me get up those Virginia Hills!

Heading to bed early tonight- wasn’t feeling great all weekend and want to make sure I don’t get sick!

After about 2.5 months of not blogging and not really running (I probably averaged 7-10 miles a week), I decided I needed a change. I miss running – I know crazy. I also miss writing. A lot of things have happened since the marathon and writing was a really good way for me to get some of my feelings out. Here are some highlights:

I ended up raising additional money and the final total was: $4,895!

I reached out to my mom’s girlfriends and set up a girls night. Due to all of our crazy schedules, it had to get postponed but at least we have opened the line of communication!

There were articles in all of the local papers: Hartford Courant, Journal Inquirer, etc. featuring the run and the donation – unfortunately I was listed as ‘Amy’, my mom’s names, in all of the photos..ah well.

I met my Dad’s girlfriend, and it actually went fine. We hung out again after that, and that was fine too.

In early December I thought the crying ‘episodes’ had come back. I stayed up all night one night and cried. It hasn’t happened since then though and I think it was a much needed cry after all the stress and build-up of the marathon. I did decide though that letting my energy out in a healthy way (running, yoga, cooking even – which isn’t going that great), makes me feel MUCH better and probably keeps these dark nights from happening.

One of my best friends Jenny moved to Virginia. I am SO excited for her – great job, great man, great time to try something and somewhere new, but my Boston will definitely not be the same without her.

And finally I signed up for my first HALF marathon! Jenny was signed up to do the Charlottesville, VA half marathon on April 17th in her new home town and Beth/Buffy and I were looking for another one to do. Running without a goal is impossible. Running with a goal, piece of cake. So after debating the Nashville Rock and Roll Marathon, which I will do some day!, we decided to plan a trip to visit Jenny and join her in the half-marathon. Which means I have 2 months and 1 week to train. At first this terrified me because I trained for 3.5 months for the marathon, but I looked at the running guide and the ‘long run’ last week was 5 miles, which I did on Tuesday – so I think I’m ok.

I started officially training today and ran 3 miles. I RAN, though. I realized that my goal/focus during the marathon was not to stress out my body and to just be able to finish a marathon. This time, I KNOW I can run 13 miles, so now I need to see if I can kick this marathon’s ass. (can you say ass on a blog?) I don’t think I’ll ever be ‘fast’ but my goal is 2 hours, which would be a bit under a 10 minute mile. Buffy is training and running with me, with the same goal, and I’m really looking forward to doing this together.

Today’s run was amazing. It was almost 40 out so I only had to wear one layer and I picked a completely different route, running through the MGH side of Beacon Hill. I also decided I need to train on these hills so I ran up Beacon Hill twice. The second time was brutal- Pickney St. literally goes straight up! But, I finished 3.10 in 29 minutes, including the hills. Already a good start! I also felt really strong and kind of bad ass. I was listening to Gaga (thanks Jenny!) and Brittany and having this girl power moment and just wanted to sprint! I’m sure they won’t all be that good, but this was a great start to this next chapter.

My marathon was for my mom. This half marathon is for me.

Yesterday I went to Rockville Hospital with my dad to drop off the checks. Today, I cried about it. My emotions tend to shut down in stressful situations and I kind of use a blend of sarcasm and asking lots of questions about the other person(s) to defer my feelings from having to come out.

Walking into the hospital was hard. Everything about the day was hard actually. My Dad showed me the brick he had donated for my Mom on the front patio and it said her name and then My Sunshine. I started to get the terrible pain that starts in a place that is deeper then my heart. It’s deeper then my soul and I am scared of this pain because it feels like it might just destroy me. I kept it down though and we walked in the hospital. We walked to the cardiac rehab program and I pictured my Mom coming here each week. The program has actually moved (it is on a different floor now) but I could still picture her bopping around the hospital, saying hello to everyone she might see on the way in.

When we got to the door there was a huge sign that said You Made Us Proud and Congratulations! It was so cute. I thought about it a lot tonight and it seemed eerily fitting. My Mom (and I definitely learned this from her) loved to decorate our house with signs for even the smallest thing. Coming home from summer camp or getting good grades could lead to computer print out signs or other things around the house. It is actually one of the things I miss most about my Mom. Almost every time I come home I for some reason get really excited and think maybe I’ll walk in the door and the house will be all decorated and she’ll be sitting there. I know it’s silly but it still happens.

Laura, one of the nurses and a good friend of my Mom’s came running out and gave us big hugs. I actually didn’t recognize her since the only picture I had of her she had a perm and glasses and now she has an adorable bob! She reminds me a lot of my Mom too, very outgoing and energized, someone you just want to be around. She introduced us to other nurses that had been there while my Mom was a patient and one even came all the way from UCONN to say hi as she used to be my Mom’s nurse. It was really nice to meet all of them and they all told me how much they loved my Mom. It was so good to hear but I was also so overwhelmed. At one point the nurse told me that she saw my Mom the day she passed away as she went to the program in the morning. She told me that all of my Mom’s tests were normal and that she was smiling and happy. In the moment it made me freeze, and want to throw up. I haven’t thought about the day she passed away in a long time and it was almost like a punch in the gut to have to hear those words out loud. Today though, I realized how nice that was and how glad I am that my Mom’s last day was spent with friends and that she was happy. One of my biggest regrets in life is that I didn’t see my Mom that day. I slept over a friend’s house the night before and I never got to see her again. I was really mad at myself for a while, and it still eats at me sometimes, but I also know that I was 16 and that’s what you do when you’re 16.

The rest of the visit was just wonderful. The patients and nurses all clapped and gave me gorgeous red (long stem!) roses and we took a lot of pictures. I wish I could have been more animated, but it was almost like I was in shock. I’m also not great at being the center of attention unless I want to be. Meaning, usually I love the spot light but only if I’m actively trying to be in it. Hopefully they didn’t think I was too lame. I kept it together pretty well (or blacked it out/went in to denial, whatever!) until an older woman told me she used to be really good friends with my Mom. She now works in the gift shop of the hospital and all she said was ‘I really loved your Mom, I miss her’, and that was all it took to start the tears. They were short as we were on the way out and then we went to lunch with Simon which helped. Today I wanted to go back there and be myself and tell them all I’m not quiet (at all!) and that I appreciated how much care and thought they put into this- if any of you are reading, THANK YOU!

The whole experience though made me feel even more glad that I decided to raise money for that program. The nurses just care about their patients so so much and they have great technology too. I’m happy that if my Mom had to be sick, she got to be there.

I FINALLY had the strength/motivation to organize the donations. I started organizing in the beginning but then they just came pouring in and I was so exhausted from running that I stopped tallying. Well, I tallied today and the total is $4430.30! I can’t even believe it! I hoped my goal of $3,000 was conservative but I never expected over $4,000! I am going to Rockville General tomorrow morning to drop off the check and I just can’t wait. I’m actually a little sad, because it marks the final step of this journey and I’m not really ready for it to end. I’ve been pushing it out of my mind and telling myself ‘well there is still the check drop off’ to drag out the end, and now it’s here! Bummer. I hopefully will keep running and will probably even keep writing as it is a healthy way for me to think about and express my feelings about my mom. I haven’t had an outlet like this before and it has helped so much. The crazy crying spells are now few and far between and when I think about her I don’t instantly tear or get that pit in my stomach. I am still sad and don’t think that will ever change, but I’m also a little more settled. I’m happy. I used to think that I’d never be able to be truly happy again because no matter what good things came into my life, I still would be without my mom. How could I possibly be happy when my mom passed away? My mindset around this has definitely changed and instead I now feel like I am happy and there is a part of me that will always be a little sad. Although that might not sound like a huge difference, it is a completely different perspective. I know, and have known, that my mom would want me to be happy and have an amazing life, but I felt like I couldn’t let that happen because of the pain. I now feel like the pain has moved and isn’t so consuming.

Because this experience was so life-changing, I’m scared I’m going to go backwards if I stop. I actually ran yesterday for the first time since the marathon. I only ran 4 miles and I went pretty slow. I ran on a treadmill because it was freezing rain (which was terrible- running outside is a completely different sport), but it felt really good to run. I even thought, wow I feel like a runner. My right leg was pretty tired out by mile 4 so I took today off (may do some Yoga later tonight), but it also made me feel like I will keep this up, and it won’t be over. I’m doing a 5K with Jenny and Beth in December and a crazy relay run where we get to wear headlamps so I’ll have something to write about and look forward to! I will post tomorrow after I meet with the hospital, wish me luck!

I made it!!! And it went ok! The whole weekend was awesome too. Friday night we (Dad, Matt and his girlfriend Jess, Simon and I) went to Outback for dinner (salmon and veggies for protein!) and had a good time. Simon and I also stopped by our friend Kyle’s birthday party and then were in bed early to get ready for the trip. The 7 of us (My Aunt Sue (we call her Choo Choo), cousin Paul, Matt, Jess, Simon, Dad, and I) piled in the family van and were on the road by 9. By 9:31 my dad had swerved off the road over the rumble strip (as Simon noted). We played setback, stopped for a few quick bites, took a nap and were in Philly before we knew it! We stopped at the Expo so I could pick up my Bib and donate my old sneakers. Of course no one told me I was supposed to pick up my tshirt then too so I don’t have a tshirt (I’m still devastated)! After the expo, we checked into our hotel room downtown, checked into my family’s hotel room by the airport and headed to my mom’s aunt’s house to see some family. We had a really nice, although too short visit and it was really special to be in the house where my mom spent so much time. I was having flashbacks to childhood (when we used to visit a lot) and it was so nice to see them. We then drove to dinner in the italian district and ate at Marras. There were 15 of us! My cousin Jay, his fiance Megan and their baby Maddy came, my brother, Jess, Dad, and Simon, my older brother Rob, his wife Judith and their kids Zane and Alex, and my friends from college Amy, Beth, Jenny and Vickey! It was so awesome!! I felt completely supported, and was so happy that so many people I love were here to support me!

Race day.. woke up at 5:45 and started to get ready. My stomach was acting up (obv) but I got dressed and Simon and I were picked up by my friends Jared and Katie (both running!) and Jared’s parents. Simon forgot his phone and the room key in the chaos but I panicked and he came with me even though he kind of needed these! We piled in, drove a mile or two, and walked up to the corals. We didn’t know before, but they release the different groups in waves. Katie and I were in the purple group and didn’t end up starting until about 7:20. Which was good for me because I needed to make another trip to the port-o-john, luckily I brought tissues.

I think I mentioned that my friend Katie decided to run with me, even though she is much faster! She hurt her foot during the training process and also decided she’d just like to have a buddy which really worked out for me! We tried to start out at a slow/steady pace because we were nervous of over-exerting ourselves in the first half. We were going for negative splits but that didn’t quite pan out! We were pretty solid at a 10 minute mile pace for the first 7 miles. We stopped to take a pee break around mile 9 (?) and the only other walking took place when we grabbed water/gatorade at each stop. We tried to run and drink in the beginning, choking ourselves, and then decided to just walk a few paces and drink! We did drink at every water stop and chatted almost the whole time. At the half-way mark we were at 2:16 (a 10.5 pace) but I could already feel it. The course definitely wasn’t flat! There were some pretty serious hills! I imagined the race was going to be mentally grueling and in the last few miles I’d have to psyche myself into it. It was more physically challenging then I imagined, but the mental part wasn’t that tough. By mile 15 I could feel the pain in my hips and thighs. By 18 I pretty much wanted to cry. We got to the 20 and I was sure I was going to have to crawl the rest of the way. We stopped for a 30 second stretch break and got going again. They handed out brownies and I realized I had to get home somehow so we started running. I took two other 30 second breaks to shake out my legs, while Katie checked her blackberry and ran backwards leaping. She could have probably finished in under 4 hours, ah!

Kate and I saw my four friends from college, Simon, and her sisters/friends from home so many times throughout the race! The girls all made signs (some pink and sparkly, some with ‘You are making me feel fat’) and screamed their heads off. We stopped for a few quick hugs along the way and decided we were going to enjoy this marathon instead of killing ourselves the whole time. At about mile 25 I saw my family and my brother ran with me from 25.2-25.7 or so which was really awesome. He has bad ankles so couldn’t do the whole thing but it was a really nice distraction! Then around 25.8 the girls and Simon also started running behind us so we had a back of 6 chasing us to the finish line! They veered off around 26 and let us cross the finish line, but it was so freaking hysterical. I couldn’t even complain the last mile because I was laughing too hard! The crying started at about 26.1 but it wasn’t too bad. It was tears of joy that I have such a wonderful support system, tears of sadness that someone was missing on that day, tears of pride that I just had accomplished something pretty fantastic, and tears of exhaustion. I hugged Katie and thanked her so much for going on this part of the journey with me and was tackled by friends and family. It was an incredible incredible day and experience and I am so thankful that all of this happened.

Pictures on the next post!